ALL HE REASONS WHY EDWARD CULLEN FROM TWIGLIGHT IS GAY!!


1) He makes the 40 Year Old Virgin seem like a player, and far from a hopeless case. He is one hundred years old plus (for you simpletons that means over one hundred years old), he lived though the 60s and still got none. This was the time of free love, man. And he couldn’t have found a warm body make him feel good. Hmmm, I wonder why.

2) He climbs into the window of a girl who is young enough to be his great granddaughter and watcher her sleep (yes, pedophiles are sexy, NOT!). And yes this is more showing his creepy side but still I am adding it to the list nonetheless.

3) Where normal people want to do ‘the nasty,’ he finally did ‘it’ with Bella and then whined and complained that he bruised her. Was she discouraged? No! She wanted round 2. Yeays, for round two, and honestly who would have stopped at two but that isn’t the point. Who wouldn’t want another go with someone so ‘classically’ beautiful, because if you know me at all you would know I would have been like ‘WHOA, WHAT A RIDE! SCREW THE PILLOW, BITE ME NEXT!’ But he pushes her away. Strike two ladies and gents.

4) He is a sharp dresser, what straight man knows how to dress sharp without a woman laying his clothes out for him? Point made. Can we say *kicking leg up in air and using the ‘magic fingers’ saying with a sing-songy tone* FABULOUS!!

5) HE BLOODY WELL SPARKLES!!!!! I shouldn’t have to say more, yet, I know I must for some of you out there. He is so sparkly that he just about pisses glitter. Oh, wait, he can’t piss because he is undead, right? However, he can impregnate with his undead and shriveled equipment that had to be cold as hell, I am sad to announce, like shoving a popsicle up her *clears throat* happy place, but I digress, go figure. (Here is a science lesson, your reproductive organs die and start decomposing first, harvesting sperm has to be done before the body grows cold, which is within the first several hours of death. Google it.


Summary: Edward Cullen = Gay....

I don’t know about you all, however, when I find out that my sharp dressing unbelievably hot, smexy, boyfriend (which wasn’t portrayed properly in the Hollywood version, I might add) is in fact a vampire, (me thinks: yeays,) who is over a hundred years old and powerful, (me thinks: even more of a squee,) but also a virgin that sparkles (me thinks: 0.0).

I would have grabbed my shades (sparkles hurt my eyes and I get distracted too easily, I blame the ADHD) and gave the beefy lycan, who isn’t whiney, pathetic, self destructive, and a sad attempt at being a ‘new age’ Romeo, a holla. Yes, I just talked all that smack about Edward. ‘Twilighters’ are gasping around the world, I know. So what if Jacob is a werewolf who has an issue with holding on to his emotions, this just means that he would be more passionate when the time came to be so. *wink wink*

Moreover, if I were Bella, on my honeymoon, and he said no to a second round he would have found me drugging him, or knocking him out or something of the link, and when he woke up he would be chained to the bed with nothing else to do but to comply to my wishes. And before any of you start, yes I am aware he can break through them but if he can knock up a human I am thinking that I can find something that will hold him, at the very least until he doesn’t want to fight it.



Sincerely,
Becca



P.S. BELLA IS STUPID!!

As a not so small note, my apologies. Bella nearly kills herself over a voice she hears (psycho), she takes back the vampire who goes poof on her and nearly offs himself and whines like a chit (demented), allows said boyfriend (a gay one I might add *singing ‘Gay Boyfriend’ by The Hazards, entered here*) to dictate who she can see and talk to like she was a slave or some house wife from the 18th century! Lastly, she could have had her cake and eaten it too. Edward said she could have babies with Jacob if she wanted to have children. Grr. Many fantasies were put into overdrive right then and there, and she just said ‘no,’ just like that?!? *sulk* Then to add icing to the cake, so to speak, nearly dies because she couldn’t figure out that a half vampire baby might need blood to survive… well, DUH!! (*enter many foul vulgar terms in reference to Bella here*) She makes woman look bad all around.....